October 3, 1994

This weekend I bought a small cactus. I also tore a contact lens.

March 15, 2000

I will need a six inch stack of phone books and a half-deflated basketball.

February 3, 1994

Maybe you need to add more R’s to the name to make it more distinctive. Let’s say 30 or 40 R’s.

December 7, 2005

I dreamed I was lost on the northwest side of Chicago. I went around a corner and there was a car on fire — three foot flames shooting out of it. The car’s Mexican owner was frantically chopping at the back of the car with an ax. Somehow this would help? I yelled at him: GET AWAY FROM THE CAR! IT WILL EXPLODE AND KILL YOU! GET AWAY FROM THE CAR! Eventually he moved away. The flames grew to twenty feet. But then it started raining and the fire went out instantly. The Mexican guy immediately started trying to open the driver’s door so he could get in and drive off. I told him he shouldn’t do that, it’s still dangerous, the car is dead, it will never run again. He said, “How do you know? You haven’t tried putting it in reverse!”

May 26, 2003

The ancient Mayas were enslaved by giant sad kittens?

May 24, 2003

“I never eat meat as I think it is wrong to deprive animals of their life when they are so difficult to chew anyway.” — Leonora Carrington

June 2, 2005

I just read a customer review of a Neil Young album on Amazon in which the word “outré” is used where clearly “oeuvre” was meant.

December 18, 2005

That quote would make more sense if Tony Iommi only had facial hair on one side of his chin.

May 18, 2006

It’s hard to get aliens to agree to anything that far in advance.

October 20, 2006

According to the woman at the post office, I’m probably too young to be spiritual.

May 14, 2006

We come and go in disorganized shifts and he feeds us apple slices with peanut butter and honey. There are worse ways to spend a weekend.

May 16, 2006

I look like I went on a hayride with Dracula!

June 8, 2003

When Damo Suzuki listens to it, it is called “Mark E. Smith Is Me”.

November 22, 2005

How was the balance of power between the crabs and the rest of the animal kingdom restored?

May 21, 2003

Josh:
From now on I am pretending that you live on a planet orbiting Alpha Centauri, hence the 3-4 year delay in your email replies.

You mean I orbit the Tangerine Dream album, Alpha Centauri?