Saturday, July 12, 2008

July 6, 2007

how the Ryoji Ikeda review at http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/article/record_review/18695-op?artist_title=18695-op actually begins:
Recently, the mouse problem at my apartment has gotten out of control. They run up the walls and crawl into my bird's cage to eat seeds, nibble through unopened loaves of Orowheat, and most heinous of all, they ate out the crotch of my roommate's old panties.
how it should begin:
They ate out the crotch of my roommate's old panties. They run up the walls, crawl into my bird's cage to eat seeds, and nibble through unopened loaves of Orowheat. The mouse problem at my apartment has gotten out of control.
Isn't it much more entertaining in that order? I think so.

If there is something surprising in a sentence, it should go at the end. Thus "They ate out of the crotch of my roommate's old panties" is better writing "The crotch of my roommate's old panties was entirely eaten out" (and not only because the latter uses the passive voice and ends with a preposition). Conversely, and this is my main point: if there is something surprising in a paragraph, it should go at the beginning — especially if it is the first paragraph.

I am willing to give Pitchfork writers this kind of advice for free occasionally, but if they want it on a regular basis, they'll have to pay for it.

No comments: