April 29, 2003

Josh: I actually had an enjoyable evening of social encounters last night.

How much were they?

April 29, 2003

On one side, Bigfoot on the side of a mountain, a tear rolling down his cheek, and a thought bubble over his head with a beautiful alien in it. On the other side, an alien at the control panel of a UFO, a tear rolling down his cheek, and a thought bubble over his head with Bigfoot.

May 13, 2003

Josh: Seth Tisue, a bureaucracy of one.

[refiling to +zRonsen for later response]

March 28, 1998

I bought a crowbar. It is big, heavy, and sharp.

December 13, 1995

I startled myself. I was in the bathroom drinking water when I remembered I should take a vitamin. So I set down the glass and got a vitamin out. I needed water to swallow the vitamin, so I reached for the glass... and then I jumped about a foot in the air because there was water in the glass and it was moving! The water was ALIVE!! I had forgotten I had just set the glass down still half full of water a moment before...

October 11, 1995

The eyes of the person I am talking to glaze over until they are staring at me like I stepped out of a flying saucer.

March 12, 1996

CORK FUN STAG THUD RENA BOG

Amid drunken revelry at a fraternity party, Rena, a female guest, is accidentally killed. The brothers bury her body in a swamp outside town to avoid discovery.

March 11, 1996

ROLL MUD CURE HOUR CHIN SIN

By rolling in mud, I can improve moral standards among youth on the streets of Chicago. (HOUR CHIN = urchin)

March 8, 1996

LIEN PAY NOW SAUL DUNE HELM

reminder, mistakenly directed at me, of money owed on ancient Israelite helmet that keeps out sand

July 22, 1995

Why have Boulezmania
When you could have Ligeti mania
Why have Boulezmania
When you could have Lachenmann mania
Why have Boulezmania
When you could have Braxton mania

March 24, 1999

I bought a plaid suit, a broken lamp with the most outrageously tall lampshade I’ve ever seen, a wool bathrobe, an old photograph of a train in Alaska, a bright yellow metal kleenex box cover, a wastepaper basket, and a silk tie. They wouldn’t sell me the cardboard reproduction of the oil painting of the big-eyed little girl playing the ukelele because there was no price tag on it.

March 7, 1999

“As he disemflappled, the vidset of the ship said ‘pinnngggg.’” — Philip K. Dick, The Penultimate Truth

July 20, 1998

He looks like he got kicked out of ZZ Top for being too tall and skinny.

November 5, 1998

I was mightily impressed by his great suaveness and flinty reserve.

August 14, 1995

“Yes, had it not been for ‘the-shining-eyes-that-unhooked-the-child-too-soon-from-its-mother,’ we would still be stuck in a simian poetics of the reassuring maternal fur.” (Nicolas Abraham)

March 25, 2003

Instead of securing permission, you could just apologize afterwards.

September 28, 1995

Maybe if A— could be collided at high speed with J—, they would both disappear in a burst of energy.

August 16, 1995

Least promising Usenet thread of the week: sci.philosophy.meta, “Goedel’s Theorem and the O.J. Simpson case”

November 19, 1995

Ran into J— the other night:
Seth: Hi.
J—: Hi. How are you?
Seth, with perhaps excessive enthusiasm: Great!
J—: Why, what were you, out smoking pot with Anthony Braxton or something?

May 21, 2003

I enjoyed it more than Undercover Brother, about the same amount as Dude, Where’s My Car?, but not as much as Armageddon.

June 6, 2004

Dinner: dried squid and a brownie.

August 4, 2004

Liner notes: “This kut is generally performed for the god of smallpox. Holding a changgo drum, the female shaman sings a song in which she asks where Sonnim, the god of smallpox, comes from. The reply is that he comes from Kangnam province.”

June 18, 2004

You forgot to reset the odometer on my hair dryer.

January 31, 1995

Three hooded men will arrive at your doorstep shortly and sear the mystic brand on your backside.

April 13, 2003

Josh: I love saying “in fact”.

I’m more of a “as it so happens” man myself.

April 13, 2003

“I am having lunch with my mother, who is different from your mother. Unless, that is, you are my s-s-s-s-s-sister...”

February 11, 2002

I’m asking all my friends to call me “Furqan the Chechen”.

January 31, 1995

He must be trying to tell us something by putting Brix Smith right next to Hulk Hogan.

August 27, 1994

The ferrets are terrified of my new “rain stick” from New Mexico. Before, the only thing that got them so riled up was the carpet sweeper.

September 19, 1995

Oh my god, his E-mail signature just doubled in size, like a gross, distended tumor...

March 12, 1998

You should keep a helicopter fueled up and running on the roof of your building.

March 3, 1998

Tell him that you and Jennifer call “Early Minimalism: April 1965” “our song” and cry when it comes on the radio, but people at the reception will want to dance so he’ll have to play “Early Minimalism: February 1965” too...

February 26, 1998

I would like to know your thoughts on the subjects of gunpowder, the printing press, and Protestantism.

February 4, 1998

The new WNUR T-shirt design says “breek brarch breekeek” on it.

June 2, 2003

NY Times: “Shoelace [condors] are the worst, Ms. Osborn said. They stand on hiking trails or picnic areas and let tourists approach. When someone gets close, the condor lunges and rips off the person’s shoelaces. She theorizes that the laces resemble entrails.”

May 30, 2003

Is there a word for someone who says “thanks again” except they never thanked you the first time?

February 4, 1998

Josh: What exactly do idiots eat?

Sandwiches.

June 10, 1995

I dreamed I rode on a school bus with Pharoah Sanders.

April 3, 2003

Josh: Did you read how if you teach one of those worms something, then grind it up and feed it to other worms, the other worms will acquire that knowledge?

I tried that with my students, but it didn’t work, and also I got into trouble with the dean.

April 20, 2003

I dreamed I cried because people were mean to a giant octopus.

August 7, 1995

Up with rice pudding! Down with dry ice!

January 8, 1996

Aren’t they too busy making pornographic films and putting on sunscreen to beat up Americans?

May 19, 1996

I dreamed I saw Zeni Geva at a club in Chicago. They were dressed like Mongolian warlords and sang while swinging back and forth on horse-shaped swings. B— started a riot. The club became a convenience store and there were cans and broken bottles everywhere. We fled from the police.

March 26, 1996

KAHN BEAR HARD TROY APE HID

Kahn is the bear’s name. “Hard Troy ape” is an ancient Greek statue of a monkey, dug up by the bear while enlarging his cave. Naturally he hides it again.

April 7, 2006

“So that the joys of the saints in heaven should be complete, they are allowed the sight of the sufferings of the damned in hell.” — Thomas Aquinas

June 25, 1994

Did she smell of incense? Was there a strange green light in her eyes?

April 25, 1994

Why don’t you make a Biblical film, starring yourself? You could dress in burlap (shepherd), or grow a long beard (prophet).

January 17, 1994

I am quoting Cheech and Chong.

August 4, 2005

In another seven years or so I’m going to use the phrase “even when enticed with a carrot” in one of my E-mails and see if you notice.

May 22, 2004

Why are nine cans of shaving powder funky?

July 19, 2003

I stole a poster for the Ligeti opera from the men’s room of a Vietnamese restaurant, but it got kind of crumpled in my suitcase on the way back. Nonetheless, I will send it to you.

January 31, 2004

Josh: My Austin friends are all baffled by the Peanuts comic you sent concerning emotional bankruptcy.

How come no one asked me about it either time I visited?

January 31, 2004

Josh: Seth, I need your help. I have to give a short speech vilifying Luigi Russolo. These are my talking points [...]

It doesn’t seem like you need my help at all...?

July 3, 2006

I thought of Bern Porter today and wondered if Wikipedia had an article on him. It did. I read it and thought something like, “seems accurate”. I wondered who had written it, so I checked. It was me.

May 9, 1995

Least promising Usenet thread of the week: alt.music.independent, “How do fans of Blur dress?”

December 23, 1994

If it works for David Yow on stage, it can work for you in the workplace!

December 13, 1994

Our Only Ornaments Are the Gymnastic Contraptions (The Castle, pg. 162)

October 3, 1994

This weekend I bought a small cactus. I also tore a contact lens.

March 15, 2000

I will need a six inch stack of phone books and a half-deflated basketball.

February 3, 1994

Maybe you need to add more R’s to the name to make it more distinctive. Let’s say 30 or 40 R’s.

December 7, 2005

I dreamed I was lost on the northwest side of Chicago. I went around a corner and there was a car on fire — three foot flames shooting out of it. The car’s Mexican owner was frantically chopping at the back of the car with an ax. Somehow this would help? I yelled at him: GET AWAY FROM THE CAR! IT WILL EXPLODE AND KILL YOU! GET AWAY FROM THE CAR! Eventually he moved away. The flames grew to twenty feet. But then it started raining and the fire went out instantly. The Mexican guy immediately started trying to open the driver’s door so he could get in and drive off. I told him he shouldn’t do that, it’s still dangerous, the car is dead, it will never run again. He said, “How do you know? You haven’t tried putting it in reverse!”

May 26, 2003

The ancient Mayas were enslaved by giant sad kittens?

May 24, 2003

“I never eat meat as I think it is wrong to deprive animals of their life when they are so difficult to chew anyway.” — Leonora Carrington

June 2, 2005

I just read a customer review of a Neil Young album on Amazon in which the word “outré” is used where clearly “oeuvre” was meant.

December 18, 2005

That quote would make more sense if Tony Iommi only had facial hair on one side of his chin.

May 18, 2006

It’s hard to get aliens to agree to anything that far in advance.

October 20, 2006

According to the woman at the post office, I’m probably too young to be spiritual.

May 14, 2006

We come and go in disorganized shifts and he feeds us apple slices with peanut butter and honey. There are worse ways to spend a weekend.

May 16, 2006

I look like I went on a hayride with Dracula!

June 8, 2003

When Damo Suzuki listens to it, it is called “Mark E. Smith Is Me”.

November 22, 2005

How was the balance of power between the crabs and the rest of the animal kingdom restored?

May 21, 2003

Josh:
From now on I am pretending that you live on a planet orbiting Alpha Centauri, hence the 3-4 year delay in your email replies.

You mean I orbit the Tangerine Dream album, Alpha Centauri?